11 June 2010

Group A - First games

Mexico vs. South Africa

Bafana Bafana, as the South African’s side is dubbed, are hosting this year’s instalment of the grand ball. But if you think I’m going to be lenient with them, think again. I mean, when you think of beauty, surely Mexico has to be one of the countries that come to mind immediately? Montezuma’s revenge, overpopulated mass urbanization, pollution, drug smuggling. Ah yes, beautiful Mexico. Um wait. Mexico is also the home country of her:


while South Africa is the home of “her”:


Hmm, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, so this may be a tough exercise. Ok, so let’s break this down by category shall we? In fact, we’ll be using this approach regularly throughout these entries

South Africa



0 points – Leonardo DiCaprio in Blood Diamond does not count

2 points – hot women, suave men

Natural Beauty

2 points (Krugger National Park, Cape of Good Hope)

0 points (diarrhoea inducing water and all-inclusive resorts)


1 point (Afrikaans rocks)

0 points (Mexican Spanish is like saying that Québecois French is beautiful)


½ point (tribal Paul Simon inspired movements)

½ point (Mexican hat Dance alone is worth this one point!)


0 point + ½ for steal from Taco Bell loss by Mexico (combine Dutch, Indian, and Khoishan culture and what do you get? I don’t know, but it is better than Mexican inspired fast food)

1 points for tacos, nachos, burritos but for Taco Bell inspired penalty = ½ point

Final score – South Africa 4, Mexico 3

A WIN for South Africa!!!!!

(Mexico encourages men to start trimming ½ moustaches, while encouraging more Mexican women to take center stage for their next beauty contest)

Uruguay vs. France

Somehow, a small South American country that claims to know of my sexuality (no, you’re gay, stupid country), has more World Cup trophies than all of North America, Asia, Africa, and Oceania combined. In fact WAY more trophies (2 to zero). But how beautiful is Uruguay? Well, the snobby French are ready for them.




0 points (I’m tempted to give them a point as South Americans are generally pretty suave, but come on, against French girls???)

2 points (2 words: filles françaises!)

Natural Beauty

0 points (from Wikipedia: rolling plains and low hill ranges)

2 points (Paris, the city of lights + the Alps, um, no contest)


1 points (Mucho gusto)

0 points (Sacré bleu)


1 point (tango, enough said)

0 points


0 points (even though Uruguay’s food is based on European, there is just no way anybody is scoring any points against French food)

1 point

Final score – France 5, Uruguay 2

Les Bleus come out on top as expected