22 February 2010

Heterosexual Olympics

So as I watched Sweden's women's curling team, I ask myself, there must be more sex in these Olympics. I mean, the summer Olympics have beach volleyball and that Danish badminton chick, so what the hell do the winter Olympics have? Well, a bunch of athletes under snowsuits, wearing equipment or dressed up like a bunch of nancy boys (see previous post). So, in hopes of sexing this act up, I present to you, a list of sports that need to be rendered co-ed right now. The Olympics actually only have 1 co-ed sport - figure skating. So time for this grade 7 school dance to end and put these couples together!

1. Luge

I hope you were expected that I would go there first. A friend of mine - jason - suggested that we invent a sport called skuge, which is either going feet first on your stomach or head first on your back. Well, instead of this crazy idea, why not make 2 person luge into a co-ed sport? Missionary, reverse cowgirl, and other numerically influenced sex moves would of course be encouraged. On top of that, couples should be judged on whether or not conception takes place during the run - I mean, give a couple 4 runs of 1 minute down a speed tunnel with only lycra spandex between the two, and I'm thinking at least one european team can get one by the goalie.

2. Team Biathlon

So this would be a compulsory "couples only" event. Biathlon has a team relay event, but in my new co-ed event, couples would have to ski together and each take their turn shooting. Now I ask you, how long would it take one pissed off spouse to open up fire on the other? Dialogue in question:

W- honey wait up, my shins are hurting
M - babe, we have no time to spare, Slovenia just passed us
W - well, I'm sorry if I'm holding you back
M- did I say you were holding me back? come on, we have to push hard
W- you don't think I pushed when I gave birth to our son? Who, by the way, you don't pay attention to, it's all Olympics, Olympics, Olympics with you. Next think you know it, he'll be in 2 man luge with some German lover of his
M- woman, shut up, the shooting range is coming up, we need to focus
W - tell me to shut up will you. give me that gun, I'm going to do some shooting of my own
BANG. BANG.

(blood on the course)
(paramedics noise in the background)

M- (bleeding from the midsection) Why can't you shoot that accurately on the course!!!!!

3. Curling

Well, this is a no brainer. Co-ed curling is actually already part of the Paralympics. There is no reason why there should be much talent difference between the sexes when it comes to sliding rocks down an ice surface. Again, couples should be compulsary but I think you would need to institute some form of hedonistic swapping on each team. That way wives and husbands would have to compete against one another - family would be torn apart, as children try to decide whether to cheer for mommy or daddy. Plus, wives could finally get to see their husbands "cleaning" up by all that sweeping!

4. Couples ski jumping

So I remember reading about the "wife carry", which is some sort of crazy european sport where the men have to carry their wives for like 400m or something and at the end everyone drinks beer. Well, imagine the fun that would be had by all if couples started ski jumping together? So picture it, man on the skis and woman on his shoulders. They tuck and take off through the air, soaring to near 100m. Again, bonus points for mid-air conception, but minus points if couples crash upon landing. I'm not sure that Harry Potter Suisse guy would be so successful if he had hermione on his shoulders while flying through the air, but this would make for some pretty awesome television!

5. Snow man making or fort building

Ok, with all these "judged" events at the Olympics, I don't see why we cannot have a judged snow man competition. Or better yet, man and woman making an igloo competition. Again, the fights would make for great tv moments. Think of "amazing race" type couples trying to build things as quickly as possible - but you would have to put some form of gimmick on it, like one person has to be blindfolded and the other person has to shout instructions at them (ok, I stole that one from Survivor).

6. Three legged snowboarding cross

So if you think that snowboard cross is crazy, imagine a special snowboard where each person puts one leg into the board, but then the couple puts their 2 leg into a special slot in the middle of the two of them. Wow, they would get some crazy airtime if they could time it correctly. This would be shear madness. Of course, it wouldn't have to be co-ed, but it would still be really cool to see!